5 Losing Strategies

In this book, The New Rules for Marriage, Terry Real identifies 5 Losing Strategies in conflict. I would add two others, 6 and 7.

1. The Need to Be Right
2. Controlling the Other
3. Unbridled Self-Expression
4. Retaliation
5. Withdrawal
6. Avoidance
7. Caving-In

In your ‘not-so-good’ moments which of these might you slip into?

(If you have no conflict, it may be the case that your spouse goes to Avoidance and Caving-In. Do not confuse silence with successful resolution.)

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“But I am right,” is my first thought, I have to admit.

“I just don’t know why they can’t see that. It must be their stubbornness, or perhaps I have not made the point clearly enough.”

I share these thoughts with Libby.

“Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate,” she says. “You kind of badger people until everyone wants to leave the room. But in your congenial self you listen.”

“As for me,” she continues, “I withdraw. Conflict isn’t worth it,” she adds.

“I’m still mad as hell, but I’ll wait until things cool off.”

(I didn’t know that pastors’ wives could get mad as hell, especially since their husbands are speaking the truth – in love of course.)

Being able to name these losing strategies automatically installs a warning system that helps me ditch that strategy early, or better yet not employ it at all.

Do one of these strategies sound familiar to you? Which one?