Positive Change
What would you like to be true in your marriage that might not be true now?
(Warning: Try to answer this without becoming critical of your spouse or marriage. Keep it safe, constructive and encouraging.)
“I would like to spend more time planning the good things we would like to do together,” I started. As I have shared before we are not inclined to be planners. The calendar has managed us more than we have managed it. We are better jugglers than ringmasters.
“I’m good with that,” Libby replies. “Let’s plan our summer vacation.”
“But we don’t know what our kids may want us to do,” I react. Oops, see how easy it is to not plan?
“For me,” she continues,“ I want to focus more on your strengths than on things that bother me.” (Yikes, I didn’t see this coming.)
“Go on,” as I fake courage and openness.
“Well, I like sports, but not to the degree you do. So, I’m not interested in Jeff Saturday getting choked up about Jason Kelsey announcing his retirement after the Eagles’ loss the other night. But I do appreciate your brain and memory for detail, even though you are like that about every subject that fascinates you. And every subject does fascinate you, which in a way I also admire.” (I think she just said that I talk too much.)
This thread about what we talk about led to another wish of hers. The best conversations often go deeper the safer we feel, which would not have happened if I had become defensive or had tried to convince her that she should care about what I care about.
“I would like us to be less critical of each other, you know, in the little things. I don’t want to have to be braced about what you might say when I’m parking, for instance. I can’t help it if the car is too big for her, and she can’t see over the hood. We’re supposed to stay between the lines. (Hmmm . . . We only criticize when we feel right about something. And when we are ‘right’ we are usually wrong when it comes to being loving and supportive.)
Our conclusion? We commit to more encouragement, more patience and less correction.
What about you? What would you like to be true in your marriage?
