Skilled Listening

How well are you able to listen to your spouse for understanding and support when they are sharing negative emotions like sadness, anger, fear or anxiety?

Our Experience

Ugh!

Libby and I grew up in a generation where negative emotions were “bad.” Our patron saint was Walt Disney. “Just a spoon full of sugar,” was all we needed.

Negative emotions signalled some kind of personal failure. Our faith in Christ was viewed through that filter. “Rejoice always!” “Cheer up!!” “Be strong!” Those mantras took care of sadness and fear. For anger? “BE NICE!”

Sure, we grew up in the South. If we had grown up in the Northeast where comedian Jim Gaffigan says that everybody seems mad for no reason, it may have been different.

We did our best to ignore, dismiss or shame ourselves when we felt a negative emotion. By temperament I was more likely to share a negative emotion, although it seemed to be limited to one: irritation and anger. I had no idea if what I was really dealing with was sadness or anxiety. Stress just came out irritated.

Libby would usually feel responsible for it in some way, whether as the cause or the person to make me feel better. On the rare occasions when she might share a negative emotion, I would feel the same way. I was the worst if she needed support or sympathy. If her stress was from something at work, I would be inclined to blame her for it. I had no idea how heartless and unskilled I was in allowing her space to express herself. And since she did not think that it was legitimate to express herself, we avoided a lot of conflict that would have helped us grow.

Hearing negative emotions always made us feel insecure.

“You can’t be my White Knight if you aren’t doing well,” Libby said.

We are learning to feel know, understand, and manage our sadness, anger, fear, and anxiety. Which is a whole lot better than feeling guilty about those emotions.

And internally, we are having a different response when we hear the other share. Instead of “Yikes!” “Run!” we’re saying to ourselves, “Hmmm.” “Stop.” “Pay attention,” “Understand,” “Support.”

Then we actually do get to talk and listen like friends.

How do you respond when your spouse shares negative emotions?