Not Caring

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

- Homer Simpson

Are there times when your spouse just does not care about what you want them to care about?

How easily can you determine whether or not it is something that really matters?

How patient are you when it is something that should not matter?

If it is something you do not care about how willing are you to engage it anyway?

“I don’t understand,” was Libby’s response when I asked for her help on a problem with the dryer vent.

Instantly, I realized that what she said was not what she meant. What she meant was, “I don’t care about dryer vents.”

Off and on we have a venting problem with our dryer. The pipe for the outdoor vent is not even close to being aligned with the dryer vent, requiring an engineering feat to twist and angle the connecting duct. And getting those ring clamps tight enough for the duct to not pop off when you push the dryer towards the wall is not easy. And, of course there is plenty of room to maneuver back there, right?

Trying to connect a dryer vent is the surest way to make a pastor cuss.

“It’s not that you don’t understand,” I replied. “It’s that you don’t care enough to understand.”

With that reply we were at a fork in the road of our conversation. An offense had been named: Not caring. (Albeit over a small matter.)

Would we take the path of grumpiness and distance, or the path of curiosity and understanding. Would it become an opportunity to settle old scores and pile on disappointments?

We were both laughing in fifteen seconds.

My tone of voice and facial expression made it clear that my reply was not a personal attack. It was a curious realization that actually gave her permission to not care. So, her immediate response was to laugh and agree with my assessment.

I would rather laugh than argue.

What about you? Can you tell when something matters and when it doesn’t?

Does your spouse have space enough not to care sometimes?