Deep Listening – 3 Keys
Very few people, if any, naturally have the ability to listen deeply to another person. From birth we learn to listen for one reason – to ensure that our needs are met. A friend who had been an effective pastor for most of his adult life shared with me over lunch the other day what it has been like to become a business and management coach.
“Mark, in the first few days of training on how to listen to people, I realized that I was going to have to re-learn everything!”
Are you kidding? Pastors don’t know how to listen?
Most pastors, especially those who still have actual conversations with people and not just sermons from a platform, are so eager to say the right thing on God’s behalf that they cannot pause to truly listen.
Deep Listening means we listen for more than words. We listen for feelings, hopes, longings, hurts, distrust and self-harming blame and shame. Among many other things.
Three Keys:
Decide to listen deeply. Unless you do, you will not! You will not give the person the time or attention necessary. Listening to yourself listen to them, planning what you are going to say is still all about you. In your mind, pull up a chair. Don’t pretend if you don’t have the time. Tell them you would like to hear more and ask if they would like to keep the conversation going at another time.
Ask questions. The surest sign that you are doing listening is that you will automatically begin to have questions. You are becoming interested in what they are saying. Not critiquing or judgmental questions like, “Well, what were you thinking?” “What did you expect?” The actor, Tom Hanks says that his family always knows judgment is coming when he says, “Well, let me get this straight.” You know that chair you pulled up? You are now on the edge of your seat. You have truly entered into what they are sharing with you.
Feel their feelings. As best you can. We are all underdeveloped in even recognizing our own feelings, much less someone else’s. Paying attention to their facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice, simply ask yourself, “What are they feeling?” It is impossible to answer this question if you are busy judging them or trying to come up with a fix.
A certain look will suddenly come into their eyes when they know you are feeling their feelings. Their shoulders will relax and their rate of speech may even slow down. They are feeling understood. The best feeling of all. There are other factors that will make you a Deep Listener, but if you make the slightest improvement in these three, you will be transformed. Imagine the love, understanding and support your spouse will feel when you have become a Deep Listener. If this sounds like too much trouble, then don’t bother. But, if you succeed even once in loving someone like this, you’ll be hooked.
